Back to the Routine

It feels good to be home where we can brush our teeth under the faucet, leave our house and drive somewhere whenever we want, eat anything we desire, and most importantly spend time with our family and have fellowship with our friends. We've almost conquered the fanged, fire-breathing monster called Jet Lag. I went back to work today and Bryan started studying for his boards again. We're trying to focus on getting back into a routine.

It's kind of hard to do because my mind keeps drifting back to Tokmok and that little boy that we said no to. We said no. It's hard to say out loud and a difficult reality to face. Bryan took his pictures down in the house and we put all the digital pictures in a separate folder on the computer so we won't just happen upon them. It's not that I want to forget, it's just that I need to think about it when I'm feeling capable.

Our experience in Kyrgyzstan was one of the biggest lessons in humility that I've ever experienced. We learned many other things too, but I think what God really showed us was our fragility, our need for Him, our inability to handle everything in this world. It was so evident that self-reliance (my normal method of operating!) was not going to cut it when it came to adopting that little one, nor was it going to work when were were called to make a decision about our future with him.

All the circumstances - being in a foreign place, away from our families, away from our friends, me sick on the bathroom floor of the Silk Road Lodge - put us in such a place of vulnerability. There was no time to try to be self-reliant. It was all too clear that we didn't have it in us. We had to turn to Him and we weren't left feeling abandoned. Although we are sad, God still did not disappoint us in how He loved us through that time. It certainly doesn't feel much easier yet but I know it will be at some point.

I think there will always be a tender spot in our hearts for Maksat. In many ways I will always think of him as my first baby, because his sweet face was the first face we laid eyes on. He was the first one we prayed for by name and anticipated as part of our future holiday celebrations and family vacations. He was the first baby I held in my arms and considered my son. It's a loss but we know that in time God will fill our hearts with rejoicing. Like I've said many times before, He doesn't disappoint. :)